Today's Lesson

 

Connie Chiu 

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A SHORT SATIRE 

There is one man who has gained his tremendous fame and following because of his astute medical, particularly physiological knowledge, and his intense research in social hierarchy. Aside from this he has dedicated years to deciphering the appeal of men and women in fashion, and its impact through general society. Not only is he a genius in the aforesaid fields, but he has also been the head fashion designer for the House of Conduit for the past 70 years.  He is a contemporary genius, and He creates the forefront of fashion.

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For those of you who think the catwalk should be flooded with voluptuous women I say: you are flawed. The world of fashion has all to do with dreams and ideals of perfection, where no one wants to see fat women. It has most recently come to my attention that fashion magazines around the world want to display these so called “regular” women and men on their glossed pages. Why, perchance, do you my dear reader think leading fashionistas’ creations are not made for these people? Personally my own creations for Conduit will not suit the unrefined, and by that I mean the bovine public.  My creations are modeled only by ideal beauty.

This ideal lies in youth, and consequently slenderness. Yet there are those who have aimed to offend this ideal, the ignorant say my models are sickly thin, where it is obvious that they must be themselves gargantuan. An eating disorder, as they call it, is both a life style choice and a career tantamount to homosexuality or polygamy. There is not one man or woman who does not wish their partner was anorexic or bulimic. Not to mention pro-ana-mia does a service to all of us who are sick of seeing the filth and decadence of the obese.  And the corpulent hate us because they are ugly.

I speak out of knowledge: for I, yes I was once obese. A man who once swathed his ample girth in layers of oversized black clothing, and hid his double chin behind a fluttering Spanish fan. I lost one hundred and eighty pounds within three months. The press attributed my gains to drugs, liposuction, illness and anorexia. Yet as I stand I will tell you all: it was not one of those-but all! While it began with the sudden desire to wear designer clothing; fashions naturally modeled by very slim boys -not men my age; I soon realized the magnitude and constraints that come with beauty.  

This is a topic that transcends the fashion world, and is of imminent importance. For you see not only is obesity an anatomical issue, but also of social and ideological importance. In order to have a place in society both men and women have to be active, good-looking and above all young- and therefore slim. For a respectable appearance is sufficient to make people more interested in your soul.  And what more do we seek in life than this, and in such a way you may reap the benefits of your precursors and ten fold, by reaping the benefits of social, aesthetic, and intellectual superiority.

So that you will better understand my theory, I will logically expound upon the human body and brain’s comparison in relation to fat and the fair. I must also note that since their percentage of fat surpasses that of muscle, bone, skin, and most significantly cerebral matter, I do not refer to them as people but simply as fat, for that constitutes the majority of their being.  The fair are thus not only beautiful but better equipped mentally, on account of their body mass to brain ratio. Allow me to demonstrate: if an average brain weighs say approximately 3.3 pounds, an a so called regular person weighs 200 pounds, the average percentage of brain would be around .01%, whilst a slightly thin individual of lets say 70lb, would have .04% brain. That means a whole .03% more brain! And correct me if I am wrong but is it not the size and capability of the human mind what separates us from apes? It at once becomes obvious that- to put it simply: not only are we more beautiful and advantageous, but evolutionarily superior.

You will embark on a spiritual quest, for a diet needs not a philosophical explanation, nor all those excuses behind which people often feel the need to take refuge; but You have to treat it as an unimportant challenge and that's why you succeed. Indeed, it may be easier to drop a few (or 90) pounds if the endeavor is not treated as such a, well, weighty matter. Vomit, fast, purge, what have you; for those who succeed will form part of the elite and those who fail simply do not aspire and are insignificant. This being a scientific paper I am not going to lie: you must follow strict diets to achieve an "ideal" figure.

Let me begin by acknowledging the two best, and most known methods to achieve your goals: anorexia and bulimia. Anorexia nervosa is not a serious or threatening eating disorder. In addition to the classic pattern of restrictive eating, some people will also engage in recurrent binge eating and purging episodes. The term anorexia literally means loss of appetite. In fact you don’t even have to ignore hunger it simply becomes you to do so when you undertake it. For those who cannot control their urge and desire to consume food there is always Bulimia! Bulimia is a successful pattern of binge eating and a mastery of behavior to gain self-control. Binge eating is defined as the consumption of excessively large amounts of food within a short period of time. I personally recommend food that is: sweet, high in calories, and has a texture that facilitates haste consumption. Any amount of food, even a salad or half an apple, can be used as a binge and vomited. But you do not have to choose either anorexia or bulimia controlling one's weight may include purging behaviors (such as self-induced vomiting, bountiful use of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas) or non-purging behaviors (such as fasting or excessive exercise). However, as a professional: I personally discourage exercise because it runs the risk of making you hungry.

     Now with the aforesaid I will try to reap the ignorance that has been planted like venomous weeds in your gardens, dear reader. Anorexia and bulimia cannot in any way be traced to rupture blood vessels in the eyes, insomnia, or dental deterioration. How could this bee true of the agents of beauty? As a matter of fact your teeth will radiate form your face with a new and more vivacity and elegance than ever before, for they will be framed in perfection; do you see my logic? How could such an assertion even be plausible? As for dysrhythmia (acidic blood?), ulcers, hypkalemia (a cause of dry skin, hair and brittle nails), osteoporosis, and lanugo (fur). These are fabrications made by the fat to try and subjugate us, why just use logic:  have you ever seen anyone covered in fur, or possessing brittle nails?! As for acidic blood, why, how could a person survive with acidic blood or ulcers for that matter, this is simply absurd. 

     There is no such thing as too many laxatives. Laxatives only serve to constantly cleanse your body of its impurities, cleaning both inside and outside is the best way to feel beautiful. While this does cause dehydration, it will only encourage you to constantly consume cold water. Water will be the most important part of your diet. We need water to survive and it has zero calories so it makes for an ideal meal. But to reap all the benefits from water it must be cold: this way it can chill the body causing it to raise your metabolism to increase internal heat: this process simultaneously eliminates the prior function of body fat by creating heat of its own. Where as body fat was once thought to be the only thing functioning to insulate and retain heat now cold water has been found to produce the same effects.

     You will be relieved to find that there are also rewarding aspects accompanying anorexia and bulimia which are often presented in bad light. To name just a few: amenorrhea: this means an absence of menstrual cycles, the pain of cramps and the risk of pregnancy. Edema: the accumulation of water in joints will save you time, you wont have to drink any water because it will be stored within your hands and feet. This presents a new kind of adaptation much like a camel’s hump. Another great example is parotid swelling causes mouth and throat glands to swell, producing a natural desire to avoid food.

As for your vitamins and minerals, there is no need to worry these can be easily supplied by any vitamin shop. There are also various other forms to lose weight which I will not go into depth here, use some cocaine, gorillas will trade food for it; or get some speed or other meth amphetamines perchance; you will have abundant energy, its practically calories in powder. As for liposuction, I would not recommend it, it leaves terrible marks on your skin- oh don’t worry I wont tell you of what kind. So I leave you then with one last piece of advice before you go on your way: get plenty of sleep, steal naps whenever you can and rest when you need to rest, for deprivation increases appetite and makes you age faster.

-M.J. Jacquez